My fingers were flipping through the pages of a book named, ‘A Blessing In Disguise’ (written by Andrea Joy Cohen) which I place it at my mini bookshelf, just beside my study table. It is an uncommon morning where I have the intention to do some reading on my long-time-no-read-book. Or in another word, abandoned resources.
What to do? I recently facebook more than readbook =.=!!
Ever since the end of my 4 years course, books are no longer my close friends. Instead, my digital camera (pink eggie) replaces the friendship. Well, it is not that I have changed. Reading is still my thing. It is because I am currently using another approach to connect and understand life when I have no commitment at the moment (no study, no job) – by experiencing real life by myself and at the same time capturing the best moment of every moment.
So happen, today is the day where I did some reading and there is a strong sense of connection when I came across with this quote:
When you use life’s experiences as your teacher and learn from them the true nature of the world and you part in it, those experiences become valuable guides to eternal fulfillment and happiness.
– Paramahansa Yogananda.
I strongly agree with Yogananda in which experiences are the best teacher – no doubt. I find that only through real life experiences can help us in believing what we read or what we hear from others’ sharing. You get to feel the immense emotion which lies in every event that is happening on us, be it happy, sad, angry, upset or simply stunned. When the emotion subsides, only we can see things more clearly. That’s when wisdom is created after having a clearer view on what had happened on us and how we perceive things.
It happens to me. Well, call me a human. We all do, aren’t we? There are ‘stars and roses’ as well as ‘scars and wounds’ lying underneath of us as we grow up when we faced life events. What have I gained?
- I’ve learned to appreciate both beautiful and ugly events.
- I have sharpen my skills of turning pain into strengths.
- I can do my baby dance in the middle of the storms (not yet break dance lah).
- I can shout, ‘Hell ya. This is ME, So what?’ when others are trying to intrude my life
If there are scars and wounds, it is our job to be truthful to ourselves, acknowledge the pain (or any emotions that submerge), and find healing alternatives. Denying and avoiding will only prolong the suffering. Thank to my 4 years Counseling course. It doesn’t turn me into an iron lady. Instead, it teaches me to be imperfect and accept own flaws and weaknesses – which is the catalyst of the healing process.
Well, it took me at least 5 months to understand and come up with this reflection. Back then, friends and family members were so worried about me. They had never seen a cheerful angel turned into someone closed to filthy mud. Telephone bills hiked up like mad for many months as I was unable to withstand the fact that I was being taken for granted, unappreciated and being played with feeling for many times, and talking to friends were my daily drugs besides diary writing.
Tears were the only therapy for me to go through each day with overloaded of stress during internship and academic writing. Can you imagine having to give counseling to others when you could barely handle yourself?
For many days and nights, I prayed and asked God for guidance with my roommate’s help. I even read bible with the hope of curing the emerging pain (btw, I’m a Buddhist). The pain and suffering is so intense that I barely handle myself. So, I search and try every alternative.
I begged Him to lead me to the road of happiness where I can find my cheerful smiles again. I was tired of driving in the round-about again, and again and I want to get out of there. Also, I pray that God will heal my broken heart, allowing me to give and take love again when I’m ready. I pray that I’ll be guided to my true love, someone who suit me best, deserves me and will treat me rightly and faithfully.
My prayers were being heard because each day, I am being shown with clearer evidence that I should leave the broken relationship untouched and move on. I’d damaged myself too long, lowering myself esteem and having no capacity for self love. Probably God knows my situation. Different angels are sent at different time and place, repairing my broken heart and wings, holding my hands and slowly helping me to fly again. It sounds magical but then, it is true. I feel it that way.
And. That’s where the process of turning from a filthy mud back into cheerful angel begins. It all started with the first few private counseling sessions which I attended. True enough, counseling sessions are enlightening and I continued my own self-discovering and self-healing after that.
There were nothing much can be done until I finished up my academic writing (thesis) in the beginning of May. Why? Because I can only hide in a room, read books and only books and typed on the computer. It is hard to not think about the issue when I was trapped in a quiet room with no company. Well, I am lucky that my parents are supportive enough to company me each and every day. They even helped me to filter out unwanted calls. Thank you mum and dad. I really love you both!
My stressed, ill look.. >.<
My journey of self discovery begins by first taking care and loving myself before going off for traveling. I pampered myself with more sleeps, good foods, more food and food! Besides, I groomed myself. Emm.. does my new hairstyle looks obvious? Lol..
#1. At Jane’s brother’s mini lounge. Trying to act cool with my new hairstyle. Don’t ask me why she placed the glass and drink on table. Probably it looks cooler >.<
I started to meet people again – old and new friends. I get my friend to dance, eat and do crazy stuff with me. I am close with my family again and able to be more open about myself and the issue. I begin my spiritual connection again with the nature and God. Also, I find back my passion in blogging and photography again. That’s how you are able to read my writing now. Be thankful! =D
#2. Shake and danced at Deebz’s house for the very first time. What song? It’s ‘Dance On The Floor’ by Jennifer Lopez, yo babe! =D
#3. My cousin, dad, mum and I for Wesak Day prayer at Penang.
#4. Family gathering
#5. First dinner with a new friend. It is a new dish which is super nice – salmon avocado pizza. I wonder do they still have this?
#6. Attended communication and self help seminar. It’s called ‘Care, Act, Well’ – Turning Point. I made new friends. This is a place where I admit my pain and suffering by putting aside my ‘counselor cap’. It works well! =D
#7. Saratha and I. First time during eye-brow trading which introduced by Letchu. Well, not something I like but no harm for new experience.
#8 River at Kuantan
#9. My new friends =))
#10. A very cool bridge at Sungai Lembing, Kuantan.
#11. Back to hometown meeting family, friends and food!
#12. First time walking malls in KL by myself. It was a moment where I appreciate the most – just me, myself and I. At the same time get to understand photography from Jien Hau & friend.
#13. Meeting my long lost birdies. It is a memorable day where I get to connect with these angelic souls again. They are my main supporters throughout my down moment.
#14. First time, driving all the way by my self to South, including Malacca and Johor. Seriously, I’m proud of myself for trying. Spent a memorable moment with my oldest buddy, with Calvin being the tour guide. Thx ya =)
#15. 1st time presenting my academic research finding at an International Conference.
16. Did ‘grief & loss’ therapy during in a seminar conducted by Dr. Haniza Rais. It is good to connect with my inner-talk again. This time, it is about my late grandma. Miss her… <3
#17. Finally, mamak and I able to spend some quality time together – updating each others and doing fun stuff, like always.. ^^
#18. A melt-down day where no words are able to describe how I actually feel. He makes me believe that I am special, rare and priceless – and happiness is standing outside my door, waiting me to welcome it in. However, I still have doubt.
#19. Spending my quality time playing with my nephews who have been waiting me for so long. It is good to get in touch with nature and knowledge about music, parenting and education.
#20. A day where I’ve opened up myself and welcoming love again. Thank you dear for making me believe in happiness again =)
Well, I don’t know how far I’ve been through. But for sure, I have passed another test in life. I somehow feel like I’ve just completed a 1 year course. Or 100km of marathon (so far, I have only ran for 5km. not that much pun). Very tough leh.. >.<
One of the important lessons which I’ve gained is that, I have discovered more about myself. I have a clearer idea on who I am and what I want in life. I love and appreciate myself more. Before this, I tend to prioritize others’ happiness before myself – which is actually wrong because neglecting myself will leave me a hollow spirit. No one will give a damn on us. As a result, I was being taken for granted and mistreated.
Besides, I realize I am one lucky soul who is blessed with a bunch of beautiful angels. They are always right by my side through thick and thin, including my family and closed friends. I feel touched each time I received help or even a small wishes, prayer, hug or a simple hello as each of them mean so much to me. I guess, this is a valuable treasure that money can’t buy.
Last but not least, when I am so happy being myself, I found someone in the end of my self-discovery (in fact, self-discovery will never end). I would say, it is a blessing in disguise – unexplainable by words but felt by heart. He makes me realize the meaning of happiness again. His name is Calv and I shall introduce him in next coming post :)
Thus, experiences are the best teacher – if only if you know how to turn them into wisdom and appreciate what you’ve gained. Then, apply!
Note: Thank God for all the guidance and wonderful plans. I’m blessed. May I continue to be blessed and loved by you <3
P/s: This post is specially written for those who are facing challenging situation. I pray and hope that this post can at least give you a feeling of ‘You are not alone’. Have faith for life. Happiness will come knocking your door when you’re ready =)
P/s/s: This is also a closure for myself by appreciating whatever I have in the past, take the lessons and continue my eggie’s journey.
